thots.. many thots.

sometimes i wake up feeling extremely unhappy about my world. and today is just one of those days.

i like the way dorcas rants.. I HATE THE WORLD. SO IRRITATED WITH THE WORLD NOW.
hee.

waking up late (for work) increases this irritation by 75%. because as much as i want to be punctual or even early, i don't recall the last time i am actually on time. fact is i am always late. and my friends have probably accepted that to be so *throw hands in exasperation* qimin.

what they don't understand is that despite reality points that i rarely honour punctuality, i get extremely frustrated with myself when i am late.

collin bears the brunt of it all since i see him the most. what's worst is because i'm mentally so wanting to be punctual, i get pissed when he gives me the wth-are-you-doing-at-home-when-you-wake-up-so-early attitude even though he has all the right in the world to question me that. of course it's not that he does that often as he's really been mostly nice about it.

still i get frustrated with myself for not putting mental determination into tangible physical outcome and i question myself where have all the time in the world gone to?

i spent a long day at work today wondering why i am in this shithole. work is getting mundane and nothing interests me anymore. i am sicked of hubbing. i need a change in environment. the only two factors thats making me stay is the presence of my fellow 4S (Super, Slim, Sexy, Sophisticated --> Xiang, Yiyi, Dorkie, me) and our commitment to Adrian (who so kindly took us back and gave us much welfare).

surely.. money is a factor but right now, the lack of mental stimulation or job satisfaction seems to outweigh the financial issues. *ponders again* truth is i need the money as well. so wells.. make that 3 factors thats making me stay.

i'm such a whining bitch. i was telling collin now i hope school starts, at least i get my freedom albeit poor financial status. collin gave me the look, knowing that i myself acknowledged the blatant irony of the statement just made. we all remembered that probably just a month back, i was complaining to him that i am so sick of studying, i will rather work.

what can i say? we can't have the best of both worlds. so let's just make ourselves feel better by thinking the pasture's greener on the other side.

bullshit. what's wrong with me?

maybe collin is right. i need a change in mindset. (questioned myself again.)

deep down, i know that i need to. but somehow i refuse to acknowledge it. out of frustration due to my refusal to acknowledge the above, i snapped at collin and kinda snapped at ting today. if you guys are reading this, i am sincerely sorry. it wasn't directed at anyone of you 'cause if it is directed at anyone, it will be me and me myself.. frustrated with the way i let things be. how can i thank you guys enough for listening to my endless grouses.

my refusal to act eats into me like poison. yet perhaps to save confrontations or in hope of a sudden change of mindset in my parents, i f*cking let things be. i don't know why i allow that since i freaking hate the situation it puts me in. i hate it so much it drives me to the very verge of tears/spasms/anything unpleasant.

everytime someone ask me to fight for it, do something revolutionary, i can't bring myself to. perhaps i've learnt from past experiences that going against them nearly always put me on a losing end. i don't want strained relationships. yet which revolution doesnt come with strained ties between the battling parties.

it is because i know my parents too well or i second guess them too much? 20 years and everything i have now i pushed for them the peaceful way. i tried hard methods too but somehow they don't work and often turn ugly.

you can see things two ways.

either i am not trying hard enough, i am holding up the white flag without putting up a fight. (which i'll say i really did in the past. but has becoming more accepting of my lot of late which actually means i haven't been trying hard enough right?)

or you as outsiders don't know the parents that i have and it is idealistic to think i can actually fight my way through. of course, you people mean well. sometimes i hope you can see what it's been like before telling me the same.

the question haunts me.. do i know them too well or i second guess too much that explains my inaction? i have to first acknowledge the role i play in all this. let's not live in denial anymore.

sometimes i get frustrated when collin don't seem to understand my point of view. almost everytime i know i ain't frustrated with him, but with myself. frustrated with my whinings yet not doing anything about it. frustrated with disappointing not just him but myself. frustrated with not being able to let him see the situation. collin isn't one who will coax me into thinking everything is fine as it is, he smacks reality in my face. and this is why i love him. he complements me. he takes check and ensure i don't indulge in my wishful thinkings all the time.

feeling sheltered all over again. i want to weather some hardships out there.

why do we fall?
so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

i want to fall. because each time i do, i believe i will only emerge stronger.

PS: Daniel unexpectedly approved a very last minute trip of mine to pattaya and bangkok (with my parents and brother) so i am most probably flying next week. i don't really want to go but it is good to just get away from singapore and hubbing, and see the world. what's more, my dad offering me a fully sponsored shopping trip. can i resist?

my dad loves me. but i am just that flower he placed in a carefully sealed glass jar and i can't tell him how much i need to get out and breathe fresh air myself and bathe in natural sunlight.

PPS: met up with Meng, Fang, Ting and Collin today. thanks Meng for organising the dinner though i was in a moody and drained mood. we shld do this more often. =)