what do you want to be?

i have a presentation in 7 hours time. had just finished altering the length of my 1st black pants (from Zara), hand stitched okay!! too bad i've not gotten it in time for me to send it to alter its cut. it is now a freaking bell bottoms.

i hate bell bott. it brings back bad memories. *shudders* my sad past. haha. i still cringe when i think of those "glorious" days. but i have collin to cringe with me when we look back at how we used to be. fashion sense = nil. zero. zilch. 0. ling2. since then, i have steer clear of anything that resembles a bell bott. (eg. Levis M593 is a no-no).

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at 12, ask me what i want to be? A flight stewardess.

at 14, ask me what i want to be? A pet shop owner.

at 16, ask me what i want to be? An event organiser.

at 18, ask me what i want to be? An event organiser.

at 20 (now), ask me what i want to be? Hmmm.. event organiser? advertising?

ahh.. i think a flight stewardess will do just fine.

sometimes, i feel my inability to get into NTU's comms studies or in fact, any SG uni's biz schs (NUS/SMU/NTU) makes me lose a significant amount of confidence in my capabilities. somehow or another, i do feel i may not be up to it afterall.

i talk alot about not letting negative thoughts be self fulfilling prophecies. here i am, letting them eat into me. i doubt my ability to become a successful event organiser and question my ability to gain strong footing in the advertising field.

i was drifting around my house one day and this tv news about ngee ann poly caught my attention. something about the final year students producing advertisements that may be used by some major corporations somewhere.

disheartened. at the end of my 3 or 4 years in NUS, i may not have produced even half an ad. who am i to even compete with these poly people? a wrong choice of course you may say, but i have stepped too deep into this to get out.

at this point of time, the prospect of being a flight stewardess seems very promising indeed.

why did i quit dreaming of becoming one along the way in the 1st place?

1stly, it was too common a dream for gals my age during that time. i am not attention seeking but yes.. i do want to be different - not mainstream.

2ndly/lastly, my sis was a flight stewardess herself. i dunnoe if you understand the stigma of following the footsteps of your siblings. like you grew up wanting to do the same thing as they do; you want to tag along to their friends' outing; join the same cca, etc. then when you reach a point in life where you could think for yourself, you begin wanting to do different things and sub-consciously or not, not what to do the things they do. i guess it is some sort of denial.

i was at my peak at 16 - full of ambitions and plans for the future me. i wouldnt say the same for now. perhaps one screwed 'A's really makes me question everything about myself.

maybe.. just maybe.. some day i will just fly around the world, quit thinking of becoming someone else. for now.. i don't want to make so much plans. perhaps it is true..
when you have no expectations, you have no disappointments - only pleasant surprises.

i think i am losing the drive in life. sucked in the myth of singapore's meritocracy.