our dreams.

me and xiang are going to be entrepreneurs. and after we graduate, we will be SIA air stewardess. then we will change flights all day long so that we can be on the same flight and we will grab every chance to shop together..

ahh.. i hope we never grow up.

2602 gals at billy bombers.

the lovely 26/02 gals at billy bombers!!
[ ....without weilin and alicia. =( ]

jas. huiling. fengxue. me.


my darling sindy. dunch we look sleep deprived?
must be the clubbing.. yawn.


jas babe and me.
still having the super-yummy tan and legs..


me and the twins - chaochia and tzechia.


yummilicious us.. woohoo~


putting our best (smelly) feet forward. =)


complete group pic of the lovely 26/02 gals.
thanks to this very nice malay guy.
(we got 5 cameras with us. heh.)

you dont matter. i dont't care.

i heard from somewhere many years back that:

true love is when the love for someone surpasses the need for someone.

maybe that's why some people would wish the other happiness, even if it means the happiness does not include him/her. or maybe that's why some would silently love someone and not expect anything in return. maybe that's why loving someone doesn't mean possessing the person.

love is bewildering. it has the power to elate - bringing us to the highest point and also the power to free fall us to reality - shattering us to bits.

i used to struggle with my past. then time has it - i come into terms with my past and embrace my present. recently future hits me like a punch in my face and i choose to hold on tight to my present.

------------------------------

i used to abhor being alone in my secondary school days. why? childish as it may sound 'cos it makes me feel that people are looking at me thinking i am a loner.

perhaps wisdom comes with age *wink wink*.. i don't mind being alone. sometimes, i rather be left alone.

than to be surrounded by some superficial people.

i am blessed enough to have many great individuals that taught me about life.. back in the band, during one of our many indoor practices, Mr Siao told us something like this:

listen to the comments from people who matter to you.
if the person does not matter to you, why do you even bother hearing him?

it struck me like a chord and it's something i carry with me through life. thus explaining the title of this blog - you don't matter. i don't care.

you can think/say whatever's negative of me.. but chances are you don't matter to me.

go away, eczema.

eczema is taking over every inch of my skin swiftly.

it is getting itchy increasingly while i resist every urge to scratch.

this is worse than i ever expect.

i can forsee..

it's gonna a long week to recovery.

seriously am regretting.

alcohol allergy.. woohoo~!

i visited maple and the result is a hole in my pocket. i whipped out $117.50 after 3 hours of waiting with queue number 56, that is 33 queue nos in front of me when i arrived at 8pm, all for 5-10 minutes of consultation with the doctor. then i spend another $7 to take cabbie home cos it's already 11:30pm when i am all done.

something new is added to my beauty regime again, one that i haven't been keeping up for quite sometime already. i was supposed to return to maple 3-4 weeks after my last checkup. but this is already the 7th week. which explain why i spent so much today cos i have alot of restocking to do. i also asked her about my rashes and guess wat?

i got an alcohol allergy. muahahahahahaha. how fantastic is that? i m allergic to bactrim. then allergic to seafood (crab, prawn). now alcohol!!! lalalalalala~ it's either i am allergic to a specific alcohol (which i suppose is tequila cos i am quite sure i have had vodka before and suffered no similar reaction) or i drank too much (which is highly possible too.. thats y i so unglamly puke the whole night right?). it should go away in one week time, that is in time to disappear before collin comes back. i got this feeling he will nag at me.. but i will tell him nonetheless. muahahahhaha. and yea.. i wanna go clubbing with him one day. just for the fun of it..

anyway, i am amazed how the doctor was able to tell i had been drinking just by looking at the rashes at my neck area and arms.

"have you been in the sun lately?"
"no."
"either that or u've been drinking."
"yea.. i did! how can u tell?"
"if u have rashes on the chest area, it is possible u have an alcohol allergy. you have rashes on ur hips too right?"
"(amazed and embarrassed) er... yes. haha."

gotta go bathe now. oohh.. on a final note, i screwed my programming test but had a good time guessing since it is MCQ. but i tell u.. i am one DEAD DUCK. screwed. screwed. needless to say..

email from programming lecturer.

Dear all,

If you're ill with MC or any other situations with proof, your midterm
percentage will be carried to the final. Which means that you need to do
pretty well then.

No credits will be given for absence without acceptable excuses.

Wish you all well in the test,

YB

----------------------------------------------

-_-" .screwed.

dead duck.

i slept. i hope i dont screw up my test. 6 chapters to complete in 2 hours time. fark.

my rashes has increased their area of acquisition and is now blotchy and itchy. i am contemplating the easy way out by going to the doctor and say "my rashes has spreaded from here to here and here and here. i was worried that it may be infectious so i din go to school." hopefully, my apparent civic conscioueness wins me a MC so i can skipped my test with a valid reason.

sigh.. back to chapter 4.

zouk. ting. 26/02 gals.

[be prepared to read alot. consider urself warned.]

incredulous as it may sound, i went for my 1st time clubbing yesterday night with sindy, alicia, huiling, fang and meng. that is if you do not take AJ's after-prom-party at MU into consideration cos that whole night, i am basically clutching my stomach at the corner of the club watching specifically this couple on the dancefloor dancing explicitly (eeks). GASTRICS. how pathetic.. i probably din eat much at the prom - snapping photos the whole night as usual - and aggravated by the rounds of [cai quan] with collin and his classmates where losers had to down beer, i couldn't even stand straight even though i very much wanted to join the fun at the dance floor. sigh..

anyway.. this time round i enjoyed myself through and through. we went zouk - it's MAMBO night!!! the music fairly passed the mark and i am amazed how people around me seems to know exactly when to shout what and how to clap. it didn't help that fang, huiling and i were technically 1st time clubbers, we could only stared at each other in bewilderment each time something like that happened. but all in all, it was GREAT FUN!!! i guess it is ultimately who you go with that matters.. sindy taught me to elbow the guys who come tad too close. alicia protected me from guys who tried to be funny. so yea.. great fun though it din end up pretty.

being sua-gu(s), we got sindy to recommend the drinks - we had 2 tequila pop and 2 vodka lime. huiling and fang din drink much, so me and ali have to go "ok.. you drink half i drink half" despite me being a renown lousy drinker. but yes.. i do need some alcohol to get me going thru the night. dancing was fun.. until i got dehydrated and had stitches at one point, then towards the very end, i am so tired i squat down on the dance floor a few times to "catch my breath".

it's funny how the body only starts showing reaction when i stop dancing cos the moment i step out of the dancefloor, i felt giddiness and finally made it in time to puke in the toilet, though i did so at the basin much to the toilet auntie's dismay. (but i cleared up my own mess *i am good* and she was thankful and helpful at the same time by giving me lotsa tissue. heh.) it feels good to be vomitting then.. getting some of my dinner (need i elaborate?) and alcohol out of my system.

but i am sober. seriously.

things took a turn for the worse when i had to board meng's car to meet a very depressed ting at the airport - add motion sickness with a clenched stomach. another bout of vomit. and this time i wasn't relief i felt when puking, it felt real bad. i am regretting already. my bigger concern was how i am going to be ting's pillar of support when i can't even stand tall for myself. urg.. totally wasted. and disappointing too. (thanks meng and fang for your many plastic bags, tolerating with the stench and sound effects i possibly created at the back of your car and basically just making sure that one drunk gal and one sad gal are fine.)

i got off the car when we arrived at the airport and puke somemore (mostly liquid by now) at the toilet. *pls kill me* the amount of time i spent puking in various toilets meant that ralf was already gone by the time we reached her. damn.. how stupid me. there sits ting in the viewing gallery with puffy eyes.. and all i could do was to give her a deep hug then lie dead on the floor while she consoled me (such irony..) and she showed us what ralf left behind for her (which is really funny and saddening at the same time).

on the way to ting's hse, i puked a little more (still sucks like hell). till i entered her bedroom and her mum came in to talk, i had to pick myself up despite bloodshot eyes and a very distorted state of mind. when i could take it no more, i simply look the other direction and closed my eyes. seemingly taking the cue, her mum left the room. i must have fell asleep on ting's bed shortly and she had to settle for the mattress (that was laid out for me actually. heh). so far, zero damage control done. now it got me wondering if ting had fell asleep as swiftly as i did.

like wat the heck. seriously i have never puke cos of alcohol prior THE night. (not that i have been drinking alot la.. per contra, i do so rarely.) other times.. i do get tipsy and high, much to the amusement of frens who have witnessed my drunken state. i was sober and puking real bad this time round. seriously, never again. never.

so i woke up this morning and amazingly experienced no hangover, ting's mum was kind enuf to prepare breakfast for us. boy, i am hungry but couldn't eat much. the only positive thing about puking was that i save on the amount of calories i could have piled if my stomach would have digested those food. haha. i sound bulimic now. rest assure i am NOT.

spent the whole afternoon with ting talking, looking through photo after photo, recounting events.. both mine and hers. it got really sad at one point when she showed me what ralf wrote for her in her diary and on the card where she had me read out what was written. i couldn't help crying. it felt so sad. i felt so sad for ting. for the both of them. it felt so sad that love has to be so hard.

in the light of this heart wrenching experience i see ting go thru, collin's temporary departure seems incomparable and minuscule. i hope it somehow works and ting gets to go to germany to pursue both love and studies. i hate to see her go.. but that will be selfish cos her heart is probably not here anymore. from now till prolly may or june, pls be strong.

i left ting at bout 4:30pm and went to meet the 26/02 gals for dinner at billy bombers (heeren) as promised. ali din turn up cos she wasn't feeling well from last night - vomited too and hangover. poor girl.. haha. and weilin had to work. which leaves the eight of us - sindy, huiling, the twins, jasmyn, fengxue, pearlyn and me. it's good to see everyone's doing fine. an agitated huiling. a gentle and very much in love chaochia. haha. we took quite alot of pics which i shall upload when i am more free.

because..

up to this time, i have spent 2 hours penning the above entry. and i have a test at 2pm later in the day which i seriously noes NUTS about. thanks to my procastination, laziness and many other circumstances and excuses. thus, i shall not sleep today till i cover all 6 chapters of programming.. i deserve this. *smacks myself*

i gotta make some real resolutions and make sure i stick to them! i must! I MUST!!!

hell.. now i got bloody rashes on both arms, my left shoulder and right knee. i have no freaking idea how they came about but they bloody hell pls disappear when i wake up tomorrow, that is if i get to sleep at all. tell me i screw up sem.two totally.. I SO BLOODY HELL DID.

i m twenty!

i am technicallly speaking, TWENTY YEARS OLD for 16 hours and 11 mins up to this point of time. and yea, it is not that bad afterall. another cornerstone of my life.. and i am gonna make my big TWO work. ie. to start studying for goodness sake. hahaha. not only that of cos.. but shhh.. wishes are not meant to be divulge if you want it to materialise.

so far i have 3 people telling me they prefer my former skin. 2 people telling me it is 2 different concepts and thus not comparable. 1 person liking it.. and the only avid supporter is ME. hahaha. i agree this is more "dark" and "not-so-cheery", but it also meant i got the whole theme of the skin across. something more heavy and negative.. to suit my age (read:old). haha.. kidding. the point is,
i find her really ---------------------------------->
very beautiful. yea.. i like this skin.

today is my birthday and i am AT HOME. hahaha. [cue: gasp.] i understand how sinful it is to admit to that but i gotta stay home and study for my friday test which i know nuts about. and i'll probably not be home from tonight* to tmr night.. which leaves me no choice. (*if we are really going mambo that is.) but i am ok.. birthdays ain't lavishly celebrated events for me anyway. on top of that, many seems to be too bogged down with exams, thesis. work and projects to even spare time to meet up. sigh..

i went down to retrieve the letters today and i got a BIRTHDAY CARD from SURYANI AND GIMHUI. man~ totally caught me off guard but it's a really pleasant surprise. *grinning from ear to ear* and thanks for all the SMSes (which i dutifully replied cos ppl were complaining last yr that i din reply to their birthday wishes). it feels good to be remembered.. thanks alot ppl. really.

today is also the day where collin will embark on his exercise ChewBone and ChewHermit. basically some survival and navigation course. which means i won't be able to hear him for the next 9-10 days. yesterday night when he called, i shed my 1st tear since he left me for brunei on 14 february 2005. yea.. i promise to be strong but i do miss him badly now. the prospect of not being able to see him is bad enuf. and now, i won't even be able to hear him.. at least he will back like in 2 weeks time. i should count myself lucky.

why do i say that? cos ting's german bf, ralf is going back to germany tomorrow morning. how saddening.. it's been some time since i see ting in such stable relationship. i guess she is right when she said love is a different thing when there is a time limit to it. like you tend to give your all when you could.. not to worry if you are giving too much but if u are giving too little.

[ting.. we'll be here for you yea. always here.
you still have us and we'll help you tide thru this period together.]

once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to myself. hahaha.
yea.. twenty is not that bad.
twenty.one is ok too [tink R(A) movies, casino entrance, selected club joints entrance, etc].
but from twenty.two onwards, pls address me as twentysomething.
heh. muakx.

happy birthday to me and tommy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
.i.am.twenty.years.old.

and not forgetting..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TOMMY!!!!
till date, the only person i know who shares the same birthdate as me.
wishing you happiness every single day too..

i love these bitches.

as promised, photos of yesterday's outing with xiang, yiyi, dorkie and jackie!!!

my darling bitches: dorkie, xiang, min min, yiyi.

the candles melt fast while we decide wat to do next..


then when we decided i shld make a wish. i am so engrossed with the actual act of making a wish (that is taking a shot of me wishing) that i forgot to make a wish!!! stupid me. shall make a wish now!!! *close my eyes*


it's a white choc tiramisu from breadtalk. yum..


one of our many unglam shots.


one of our many (act) glam shots.


xiang and jackie-the-great-photographer-and-gentleman.


final shot of the day. all looking lovely.

i don't remember laughing so much in a long long time.. love you guys!! thanks for making the effort to meet up.. the mere presence of you guys makes me blessed.. hugs. very happy indeed. spend alot of time catching up with some stuff with lotsa crappings and bitchings in between- FOUND. justin. econs. school. vainpox. sex. and we are all educated on how-to-use-a-tampon by dorkie baby (oh.. jackie learnt too). haha.

oohh... this is xiang's puppy. she is called OREO. a really cute lil bitch. she is really tiny and likes to stay in the shade - just like her owner, xiang. haha. i am so jealous.. gonna abduct OREO one day!!

today's my last day being a 19. hello to the humongous TWO in a few minutes time.

NEW SKIN!!!

NEW SKIN!!! yep.. spent my last 4 hours coming up with this. i thought a change may be good though i absolutely adore the previous skin. so tadah! something more heavy as compared to the former. and sad to say, this skin looks better on IE rather than firefox.. but i guess it's fine since most ppl are still be using IE.

you may have some trouble viewing previous posts cos the previous skin's background is white. so i actually used alot of black fonts then. problematic since this skin's background is black. solution: just highlight the text if you want to read it. small problem la.

comments comments?

---

had a helluva fun with dorkie, xiang, yiyi and jackie yesterday!!!! you guys are simply the best. we laugh so much i think my abs are hurting now.

will blog about it later and upload our pretty faces. muahahahahahaha.

now.. gotta go have my lunch. urps.. i've been so engrossed, i din realise it's already 4 pm. if only i have this kind of determination when it comes to studying.

sigh. oh wells..

hail to frenships.

i got my 1st prezzie for my birthday!! from ruthie baby!!! (ok.. not 1st if u wanna include collin's partial investment-aka-birthday present for my ipod. but 1st from a fren yea?) thanks gal, i'm sincerely touched, especially when each of them meant a lil something. (eye-mo for my eyes.. can't believe you thought of that. incredibly sweet..) and you know what? hersheys cookies and creme happened to be one of my favourite chocolates!!! no lying about that.

on my way back from the station last night.. it dawned upon me that:

there are some friends you don't need to know them for long..
to feel like you have known them forever.
these are the friends that come closer to your heart than you have expected.
and these are the ones you should treasure..

ting told me many a times, it's ok as long as you have your true friends. then people always say it's difficult for you made real friends after your secondary school life. but i guess life has been kind on me.. i met the wonderful 26/02 peepx, then the cheery starhub babes and in uni, not alot prolly one or two (ruth is definitely be one of them).

of cos.. i still have people who will always be there for me - my childhood gals and UG. collin.

there is this forwarded sms that says:

"if wealth is measured in terms of friendships,
i must be one of the richest in the world."

yea.. i am feeling darn rich now.

wallet of my life (from mei's blog.)

i copied this whole chunk off Mei's Blog. this entry tells someone's story. tells mei's story. now it tells mine too. it speaks of regrets. and living life after regrets. such fantastic analogy, need i say more?

------------------------------------------------------------------

.wallet.of.my.life.

when You don't have it, you long for it.

when you have it you don't cherish it.

when you lose it, you yearn for it.

Someone said: "Wallets are a lot like girls. You really have to take good care of, because if you don't, something might happen..." I know what he means. I just lost a wallet, and I just lost a girl. You know, it's the exact same thing. One day, you just realize it's gone. You try to look for it everywhere, even going back to the places where you could have lost it. You think, and you think hard, only to come upon a grim realization: It is really gone.

Of course, you can hold on to some hope. After all, there have been some very, very lucky (blessed?) people who get it back. Perhaps you could become one of those people. You sit home and hope someone would call, and that you would get it back. But then, some time passes, and you realize that it's still gone, and you realize that it's time to let go.

The first few days, you turn to your friends for support. Some tell you you'll be ok, some tell you that it was your fault and that you should have been more careful, and some tell you about their own experiences. They give you all sorts of advice, none you haven't heard before. You then go out to find a new wallet, only to realize that you don't really want a new one. You want the old one that you lost. No, you don't want all these better-looking wallets, you want yours, because of how comfortable it is, because of all the cards and pictures and other stuff in it.

You carry on without a wallet, keeping your money in your pocket instead. You throw away stuff that you would have held on to if you had your old wallet. And then, finally, you find a new wallet you like and settle in. You then start filling your new wallet, little by little. It still doesn't feel as comfortable as the old one, but it's getting there. Then you start putting in cards and pictures and other important stuff in the wallet. Soon enough, there's as much stuff in your new wallet as the old one. And then, after some time, you feel as comfortable with your new wallet. And then you realize that you've almost forgotten you ever had your old wallet. Sure, you still remember most of the stuff you lost on that wallet.

But then again, you don't remember the feeling of hurt that you felt when you lost it. That's because that wallet you lost is no longer your wallet. You're no longer holding on. This new wallet you're holding, it has all the important cards and pictures and stuff that you need. This is your wallet. And this time, you tell yourself, you're never losing this one...

------------------------------------------------------------------

sorry mei i have to leech your entry. this is beautiful and significant i guess not just to me, but most ppl out there.

at the end of the day, all that is left is memories. memories that may once broke your heart but now..

they make you smile.

back at maple. for 1 more time at least.

this is the 1st weekend i spent without collin by my side. and i am just content with staying at home to watch tv, sleep and plan my activities for next week.

i decided to give maple a last shot so i'll probably visit maple today or tomorrow. after my last visit on 05 jan 05, i quit visiting cos i realise the moment i stop applying all the creams, the pimples gets less - in number and in redness.

but i also think it became better only because the impurities are sinking back as opposed to what doc ong has been trying to do the last 2 months - trying to purge them out - and my face will only look better for the time being and i am at risk of horrible breakouts since i hadnt gotten rid of the clogged pores. sigh.. decisions decisions.

i decided against TEMPORARY better complexion and well.. just go back to her and have faith. the least i could do.

hope you enjoy ur weekend, peepx!!

destiny. fate.

i haven't had anything to blog until a msn chat got me thinking about destiny. my dear fren over here doesn't believe in THE ONE. which i find tad depressing.. as if love has been demystified.

i often asked collin strange questions. this has to be one of those he could never answer.

whenever i see couples cuddling (Read:PDA - public display of affection), i asked:

"why do you think that guy will want to hug and touch that girl?
don't you think it is funny why he is with her and not someone else?"

i don't know the answer either. but believe me, i asked him this same question more than once despite knowing he is clueless and on top of all, won't read too much into such issues.

but i believe it is a kind of destiny. destined to meet. destined to get together. like us being friends today must be a kind of destiny.. or fate that brings us together. if we ain't friends anymore, we separated or lost contact, that must be a fate too. sounds rather magical.. as if all is predetermined*.

there must be a scientific explanation behind this too. something to do with your hormones or something like that.. urg. pardon my lack of knowledge.

and probably sociology will tell me - from what i learn from last term - destiny is human constructed to lead people into accepting their life.

i am not ready to argue my points cos i doubt my ability to carry a seamless-no-loophole debate that will make non-believers convince. maybe i leave you with what my sociology lecturer said to the class last sem.

my lecturer gave an eg. to illustrate his point about science and pseudoscience:

in a rural village, someone's roof collapsed and 2 groups are called in - pest controllers and the village witch doctor. the pest controllers would say because the owner had termites nesting on his roof, thus causing the roof to collapsed. the village doctor would say the roof only collapsed because someone had put a curse on the man's house.

the point is that science (as represented by the pest controllers) can explain why the man's roof collapsed but cannot explain why out of so many houses, the man's roof have collapsed? why the termites choose to settle on his roof and no one else?


get it?

---------------------------------------------------

tokking about predetermination. when i 1st heard ppl saying "God has his plans for each and everyone of us", it got me wondering if i have really no control over my life since God has it all planned out.

for a while, i decided that i am an active being and can make decisions. thus meaning i actually planned my own life and hence, fate is probably in my hands.

it occurs to me after a longer while that possibly when i thot i am making a decision, my final decision is probably what God has planned for me to take. only that i went thru all the moments of agonistic decision-making, or maybe even making the wrong decision and eventually taking "God's path" after all.

heh. such irony. the bigger irony is probably how human beings are able to twist and turn to justify the existence of a supreme being. the same virtual being that probably oppressed us into taking life as it is.

disclaimer: i am not catholic. not christian. i am definitely not preaching. but i believe there should be someone up there. so i respect Jesus, Guan Yin, Earth God, Buddha.. for all you know, they may all be instances of one higher power.

---------------------------------------------------

if you think i ain't making much sense by now, i am trying to. but yes.. i probably need sleep.

to end your agony (and mine too),

HAPPY 4 YEARS AND 9 MTHS to US!!

take care at brunei and be back soon..
i'm missing you every moment that you are away.
muakx. i love you.

oohh.. i forgot to mention! i've passed my basic driving theory test at 1st try!!! perhaps nothing to rejoice about since i am joining 99.9% of those who have attempted the same test. but see.. i have made my 1st step, successfully, to getting the much coveted driving license. go, qimin, go!!!

our legacy.. continues.

i skipped school today. again! but i have decided to dedicate my whole day doing some work. wish me luck!!!

before i go, let me present to you.. *drumroll*.. pictures of my super adorable-lovable nieces and nephews, taken during CNY:

the incredibly adorable.

the incredibly pretty.

i try not to practise favouritism. but these are my favourite two. haha.

more pics:

our latest arrival to the family. a baby girl.

my childhood.

.. with our beloved granny/great-granny.


we have all grown up..

i look at my nieces' and nephews' childhood, then i look at mine. we all have one thing in common - that is - we all grew together with alot other cuzzies and build up a camaradarie, an undescribable bond.

and this will go on possibly forever. my future kids will grow up together with my cuz' future kids. and my nieces and nephews will carry on this "legacy".

suddenly, i wish to grow up.

urg.. i am a conflicting self. cos right before this moment, i am dreading my coming birthday (read: freaking twenty - two zero. 20. - years old) to bits. no offence to those who already met or passed the mark.. heh.

keeping in mind what mr gui said..

"what's the worst that can happen!?"

..life is actually not so bad afterall.

KEEP SMILING~!!!

watever.

sometimes..
i feel i complicate my own life.

from now on..
i don't wish to think anymore.

review: lasik.

it has been approximately 2 weeks since my lasik surgery. and all is fine despite the fact that i hadn't been exactly listening to instructions such as on wearing plastic shields to sleep (suppose to wear for the 1st week. but i only wore it for 2 nights), dripping solutions at regular intervals, etc.

sometimes, i still wake up thinking i forgot to remove my contact lens before i sleep. the whole lasik experience is by far a positive one. next check-up: 10 march 2005.

i am missing you already.

it's perplexing to me how i can love someone so much for so long..

but hell i still do.. very very much indeed.

and i can't get enough..

happy frenship day.

i carried your crumpler to school today. i listened to your favourite jay's cd. i ate your favourite korean instant mee. i spread out the yoga mat you gave me. the nike duffel bag is in sight. on my lap, sits poothie (our stuffed pig) and xiao xin (our stuffed dog) and i hug them tight.

finally.. i close my eyes.

now. i sincerely feel close to you.

--------------------------------------------------

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL!!!

.love.is.in.the.air.

i am waiting here.

i held back every tear that threaten to ooze from beneath my lids. i am not going to cry. i don't want to make you worry.

3 weeks.

you are hardly off this familar grounds but i am counting down already. it shouldn't take long. i'll be waiting exactly where you left me.

have a safe trip darling.

love,
min

regrets. i have a few.

it's weird how i actually miss your presence.
but then again, i stand firm that it is all for the better.

what did i say about regrets?

at least try. cos if u did, at least u knew you did something when you could. otherwise, to not try and live in regret for the rest of life, thinking how things could be different (but it is all too late), must have been one of the saddest thing in the world.

then i realise try as you might to avoid piling your [regrets] inventory, some regrets are inevitable. there are always some situations in life that leave you with no options.

that sad kind of bitterness called regrets.
from the small things. i cringe at some of the things i did and said.
to bigger situations. doing the wrong things or simply not doing what i can when i could.

then again, i looked back at my life and its regrets and stand firm that given the same situation, i would have done the same even if i am given a second chance to live that moment of regret again.

perhaps some regrets are predetermined.

hopefully whatever i forsake for is worth it.

i believe in sweet regrets. knowing that being me, i would have done the same thing no matter what. that perhaps the way things turns out is the best way out. that things could have been much worse.

call it delusion, a sham.. watever.

but at least i can look back, regret and smile (eventually).

fainted. again.

i fainted on the train again.

this time between aljunied and kallang station. funnily, the last time the same thing happened was february last year (at novena mrt), except it was worse this time around cos i vomited *gross* at the platform seconds after i exit the train at kallang station.

thank goodness i had collin with me. he was with me the last time i fainted too and thus wasn't as shocked and knew what to do. heh.

i remember leaning against the glass partition and suddenly felt giddy. instinctively, i held on to collin's arm and attempted to rest on it, telling him to be careful cos i think i might faint.

and so i did.

actually i enjoy that few seconds before you knew you are knocked out. the world around you seems to spin. your head feels light. everything's in a haze. it is in that moment you lose all consciousness and enter another realm in space and time.

the next thing you know is someone calling out to you (i heard collin saying, "you black out again ah?"), you open your eyes and realise you must have blacked out for god knows how long.

someone giving up their seats for us. medicated oil. water. daze. vomit. medicated oil. haze. sleep. and woke up feeling nothing like that happened.

the whole process of fainting, i went through the motions as if led by my own subconscious, and collin. that 20-30 secs of darkness.. i wonder what i was thinking? did my brain stop? did i stop breathing? did my heart stop beating?

but i didn't know i fainted until the moment i opened my eyes. and according to collin, i did so looking shocked/confused. i must have freaked him out once again.

still, i find a strange kind of pleasure in fainting. not that i like it to happen at all..

thanks darling for being there.. i love your incessant nagging despite that is the last thing i wanted to hear in all my grogginess. i love your insistence for me to get home for some rest despite how much i wanted to go out when i did feel better. i love the way you stand guard outside the female toilet, shouting into it at the door step umpteen times and asking fellow female "occupants" if i am still inside just to make sure i am fine. i love the way you would cuddle me knowing that's the only thing that i needed and wanted the rest of the day. and i love all these simply becos i know you only did all these cos you love me. and so do i.

i spend the rest of the day being ferried around in taxis. today was supposed to be V-day for us since collin's leaving for brunei tomorrow night. at least now, we have something memorable to relate to this year's valentine's day.

so far, i got a maroon nike yoga duffel bag (which comes with a yoga mat) from him which i absolutely adore. we shall continue our V-day prezzies hunt tomorrow!!! anyone knows where i can get nike/philips mp3 players?

don't worry. i am not weak. or maybe once in a blue moon, i am. it is just cold sugarcane juice + sweltering heat + most of all, freaking period.

happy CNY!

HAPPY CNY TO ALL!!!
GONG XI FA CAI!!!!

CNY has been great for me so far. it basically means an overdose of food, angbaos, cards, mahjong and meeting up with relatives whom you only get to see once a year (this is good news).

i hope for another 365 days of CNY and that collin never had to go brunei or even, to book in. (ok.. i m being selfish.)

i swear my whole life that i will start studying from this coming monday - everything that i've missed out the whole darn sem so far, which is everything. perhaps collin's temporary absence is not all bane..


ps: i got a toothache and i refuse to visit a dentist. ouch.. i hope it can just go away.
pps: pls kill me if i dun start studying..

i love you guys!!!

i m blessed.

dorkie baby just called me to ask if i'm free anyday during the next 2 weeks. she is trying to arrange to meet somewhere ard my birthday!!! thanks dorkie!! thanks to all you bitches and sluts!!! even if it doesn't materialise, the effort itself is greatly appreciated. love you guys many plenty.

i told fang and mei (on separate ocassions) that collin will be away on my birthday which they all replied, "you still have us mah." such sweet frens. thanks people!!

attention UG mates (and frens of UG)! we shall meet up during these 15 days of CNY and set up a gambling den at ting's house then meng's house (when fang and meng return from msia)!! i'll bring peanuts for us to [bai zheng]. geo can bring beer for herself to act uncle/ah pek.

i m blessed.

*grinning from ear to ear*

but hey.. look at some of the evil friends i have.

g_e_o: we r each other lucky charm
min: really?
min: i lost ?? at ur hse that day
min: muahahahhaa
g_e_o: yah la dats y sae we r each other lucky charm coz i won alot dat dae!!!
g_e_o: heh..

-_-" nice try, geo!


i have mentioned before, and i m saying it again:
collin will be away from 14 february - 07 march for his brunei trip.
let me dwell on it and incidentally, serves as a hint for you guys to ask me out!!!
muahahahahahaha.

YOU CAN CONTACT MY SECRETARY, miniq, TO ARRANGE THE TIME AND DATE. PLS NOTE I AM A PERSON OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE AND THUS, HAVE A VERY HECTIC SCHEDULE. LAST MINUTE APPOINTMENTS WILL NOT BE ENTERTAINED. (I ACCEPT BRIBERY THOUGH.)


heh. kidding. call me out!!! pretty pls.. hahaha.

my pigged name.

Poh Qimin.

i like the way my name is pronouced. in chinese that is.
(i get all sorts of funny pronounciations in english, like Kee-Min, Chi-Min.. countless.)

but i hate the way it looks when written.

Poh Qimin.

i think my name looks like a pig. i concluded it may be the P and the Q.
(P for pig. Q looks like a pig from back view.)


seriously, i have this thought eons ago. my little joke to share.

gong xi fa cai!

i was about to do a small victory dance when i successfully convinced my dad to allow me to go malaysia for my eye checkup (or a short vacation) with my friends, instead of with his or my brother's company. then his malaysian friend who happened to be on the same table started rattling abt how dangerous malaysia is, with tales of people getting robbed, bike handles stolen and how malaysia, unlike singapore, is not so safe.. singapore is a small country.. yadda.. jb has a great mixture of people and illegal immigrants.. yadda yadda.. kl is even more dangerous... more yadda... be wary of drug addicts... oh!! SHUDDUP~!! (grr..)

yes.. i'm my daddy's girl. i live a sheltered life.. like a flower meticulously incubated. if only they realise my bloom would have been more magnificent if they let me out and expose me to sunlight, rain and air. craps. stop being over protective. your agenda may be good but boy, give me and my sister a break. (note: it applies to the gals in the family only. we are suppose to be a democratic society. men and women, equal standing. no!?)

they will never understand. i have typical asian parents. who can i blame? how pathetic.

CNY is coming. this is so exciting!! i'll be doing some last minute shopping tmr!!!! darn stupid NUS.. i still have 2 tutorials to attend tmr morning. then it will be lotsa of angbaos, munching pineapple tarts of all shapes and sizes, playing cards with UG, mahjong-ing with family.. i love CNY!!!

GONG XI GONG XI!!! GONG XI FA CAI!!!

ps: my family has this tradition to wear new clothes/pyjamas to sleep on CNY eve. this year, i got another hello kitty pyjamas from my mum. this time its white base with purple hello kitties. urps. this must be my 5th or 6th hello kitty pyjamas.

what makes ur world goes round

what makes your world goes round?

love makes mine goes round. money are secondary but let's not act all saint because we all know by now, money is not just important but also essential. and probably sex/more money/more love too.

but i don't even love enough.

my friends: i haven't even been keeping myself updated with their lives. and i probably wasn't even there when they needed someone to hear them out.

my family: i don't even put in efforts to make things work. most of time, i prefer to be left alone.

collin: gets most of my love i guess.

if there is 24 hours a day which is equivalent to 1440 minutes or 86400 seconds, i wonder what i spend most of my time doing.. or if i am doing anything as a matter of fact.


i realise as we grow up.. we become deadpan. or we simply do not care.

cookies. i m tired.

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just finish baking the last batch of cookies. had to put it back into the oven four times before it decides to hardens. wasted one batch of yummy cookies - [chao ta] - *cries*.

with the same amount of dough, today's batch seems to yield less cookies compared to previous times. by the time i packed enough to fill up the container for collin's family, i am left with little, mostly the darker-near-[chao ta] ones or the weirdly shaped ones, for my family.

urps.. it's ok. i can bake again (though not so at the time being. had enough of baking!!)

i actually feel pressurized doing something for collin's family. the last and only time i whipped up something at his house - fried dory nuggets, it turned out disasterous. i dunno if the flour coating is wrong or i simply got the whole recipe wrong, it tasted different. horribly bad compared to the last time i whipped up the same dish at my house for collin to try. (that's before i tried to [da xian shen shou] at collin's hse.. which turns out to be a big mistake of course.)

i never found courage to pull the same cooking stunt again. *Disgrace - cries.*

maybe i fare better doing pastries. at least ppl like my cookies and pineapple tarts..

edible cook ups:
- apple pie
- cheesecake
- rosti
- pineapple tarts
- cookies (actually you can't really include this. cos.. muahahahaa.)

failed cook ups:
- egg tofu
- cinnamon butter cookies
- dory nuggets (sucess once, failure once)
- chocolate truffles
- (i must have lose track.)


i decided by the end of the above list that my future husband should either be
- a fantastic cook or
- someone who has an extremely high tolerance for bad food or
- simply one who loves (canned) campbell soups, instant mee, (canned) luncheon meat, eggs, ham, bacon or anything canned as a matter of fact. this is my.. erhem.. area of expertise.

funny how i got my mummy's wide hips/height/hair genes but i dun get her cooking flair/breasts/skin genes.

it suddenly seems possible that they are not lying when they say they picked me up from the trash. *horrors*




just kidding~
(pardon me. it's late. i'm blabbing incoherently. i'm really tired.)

made212pineappletartstodaycookiesupnext

in a span of one month, one friend shifted her blog, another put a password to her blog and yet another shut down her blog.

i began to question the purpose of blogging.. if you cannot even doodle whatever u want to. write what you feel. scream your thoughts aloud in what we have here - an online "diary".

yet we do not speak of the unspeakable. some things too private are better kept to oneself.
so what's the inherent purpose of it all?

perhaps it's never meant to be private at all. i misunderstood.

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made212pineappletartstodaycookiesupnext
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you can hurl imaginary sticks and stones at me.
what you did not realise is i am impregnable to all those dirty tricks up your sleeve. tricks to put me down, to make me a lesser ME.

i know better who i am and where i stand. you can try but you will never succeed.

it's hard for me to like you sometimes. so let's not talk about love.
i learn how not to be affected. i no longer get hurt.
i simply shut down.

your incessant yaddah is like music to my ears.
now you know i have achieve the highest level of mastery..

against you.

but i know you will still go on. and on. and on. it's ok. i will just shut down.

still, i admire you in some ways. but hey..

let's not talk about L.O.V.E.
it's hard.

i can never be the perfect one.. even though a secret part of me wants to.
just right now.. i don't give a damn.

i can see!!!! muahahahahha.

hello?


HELLO!!! i'm back!!! (with near perfect eyesight.. muahahahaha~)

i was still blind as a bat 2 days ago. 45 minutes in, out. viola~! i can see what's written on that red and yellow banner at the junction 20m from my balcony. i can read the tag - [fashion centre], on my sister's SIA uniform hanging behind the door (btw, it's hanging there forever.) i can watch TV and see the subtitles without specs/contact lens/squirming my eyes. muahahahahahaha.

a whole new world awaits.

went back for my checkup today and doctor lee says she's giving me bonus for my eyes are recovering faster than expected. well done!! gotta make another trip down to OPTIMAX (where i got my eyes done) for my 2nd checkup next week. this is exhilarating!!

my true bonus: shopping spree each time we enter malaysia. (haha. ok. actually not much of a shopping "spree". i just buy a lot of tidbits back. that's all. repeat after me, say "cheap cheap!!")

i wasn't really nervous. much was told to me by my brother who underwent the same surgery just one week ago, so i pretty know what to expect. i was made to wear the standard operation garb, told to relax and to sit outside THE operation theatre after they drip god-knows what into my eyes (i suppose anesthetics).. with a blanket draped over me. the surgery assistant scurrying round me happen to be the same receptionist that attended to me the day i came to make an appointment. (like huh?) all the while, only one thing my brother (repeatedly) said came to mind,

"just listen to the doctor and nothing will go wrong."

this head popped out of THE operation theatre . "miss poh, you can come in already."

(i am addressed miss poh umpteen times in the clinic. "miss poh.. yadda yadda yadda..", "miss poh.. miss poh... yadda yadda yadda..")

its time.

(still not nervous.)

i laid down and doctor lee (the same doctor who attended to my sister. my brother got a male doctor.) went through what she's going to do.
"miss poh, is everything ok?"
"ok!!!!"
"what i am going to do next is to use this to open your eyes wider. you may feel some pain when i do it but it is ok. then i will cut your cornea to expose the bed(?) and flip the flap over. i will shine the laser over your eye for about 17 seconds. and then i will close the flap without stitches. are you ready? just relax ok?"
"ok!!!!"

the crisp "ok" reduced to a croak when she tried to open my right eye wider with something. (from the video i watched from Day 1, it should be this metal instrument that forces my eyelids apart so that i don't blink. she did comment earlier my eyes are not wide enough. sigh.) seriously, i grabbed on to the sides of the bed that instant, not that the pain was intolerable but i just wasn't expecting that.

mind you.. i was wide awake throughout the whole operation. i just had to concentrate on the red light, with a green dot in the centre, while she messed up with my eyes. i seek solace in the fact that everything she does happen at such close proximity i have no idea what she is doing, even when she makes an incision and lift a portion of my cornea opened. urps. gracious me.. i only realise it when the red light becomes a blurry red mess, like water.. pretty much like what my brother had described.

"ok miss poh. i am going to shine the laser on your eye for 17 seconds. do not move during the process."

she grabbed my chin, as if to make sure i blardy hell do not move. i dare not, rest assure. funnily, i counted 10 seconds for my right eye and 20 seconds for my left eye though. and true to what the surgery assistant has told me while i was waiting outside - that if i m a right hander, the left eye will hurt more. hmm..

trust me, the pain is minimal. (cramps are much much worse.) seconds after the operation, i can see rather clearly already. i felt discomfort in my left eye.. or maybe slight pain. but all in all, it was good. i even went for [zi cha] at my father's friend shop after the surgery (yummy!) though i could hardly keep my eyes open cos it was too glaring and opening my eyes leads to a new rush of tears flowing down my cheeks. (i was wearing sunglasses though. collin's new oakley. muahahahaha~)

later in the day, the discomfort is akin to wearing your contact lenses but on the wrong side. but the discomfort goes away after a short 4 hours nap. when i woke up, it feels like i did nothing to my eyes. all is good. no pain, no discomfort.

wala~ thats lasik for you.

btw, in singapore it's about s$5k for both eyes. i did mine in malaysia for rm4400. that's about s$2k. see the disparity.. oh.. and optimax is only 5 minutes from the causeway and is ISO 9001 registered (i dunno what i means but i think its an icon of quality/reliability?).

the downside- my mantra for the following one month:
- no swimming/hot tub/sauna/water sports
- no contact sports e.g. martial art, rugby, football, etc.
- avoid rubbing/squeezing or put pressure on the eye
- avoid smoky, dusty, dirty environment
- saloon facial to wait after 1 month check-up

ah.. i will miss sentosa. *cries..*

finally, a digression: i swear i will manage my time from today onwards. stop procastinating and watched the clock. priortise my life. and quit being late. i get angry with myself when i am late. i am always late. i am always angry with myself for being late.

not anymore. i shall change. for a start, i will get the long overdue ALARM CLOCK tmr. a big loud one, with a snooze function.

i shall also catch up with what i missed out for the last 4 weeks of sem 2. gosh.. i m so lagged, i dunno wassup from Day 1. this has to change.

change. change. change.


(i'll try.. you can't pin me for this entry if i am late ok. dun u think.. heh.)

lasik. pineapple tarts. happy CNY.

in approximately 16 hours, i'll be in the operation theatre for my lasik surgery. funnily, i am not at all nervous. at least for now.. wish me success tomorrow!!

using the pineapple tart recipe sindy shared with me, i would say my 1st attempt is a booming success. (thanks sissy bird!!!) in 24 hours, i made 4 plastic tins of pineapple tarts (with the help of my brother). frankly speaking, its hard hard work. now my mummy is telling me she's gonna take 2 tins, one each for my ah-ma and her qigong shifu..

-_-" gotta do another round of pineapple-tarting then. *shudders*


on a happier note,

HAPPY ADVANCED
CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL!

i love to sing CNY songs everytime the festive season draws near. collin will stare at me in bewilderment asking: "ni zai na li xue de?" (where did you learn these from?)